To Suffer a Sea Change
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Follows "A Type of Madness." Adam returns to the Ponderosa after a few years spent at sea and his family finds him changed. Will he be able to adjust after all that has happened to him?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plots are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

To Suffer a Sea Change

Part 1

The captain shook Adam's hand after paying Adam his shares and asked him if he was certain that he wanted to leave and not sign on for another trip. They were heading for Japan next and their pull would be silks, spices, pearls and rich perfumes and maybe a few geisha and Adam was the best lieutenant he had come across in years. Was he sure he wouldn't stay on? Adam had laughed; it did sound tempting, he said, but he wanted to return to Nevada where his family was-that is, once he got his land legs back. So Adam and his captain shook hands and Adam left after tucking his money safely away; he was familiar with port cities, especially San Francisco and knew that sailors were always in danger of being robbed or shanghaied, sometimes both. Both he and his captain had enriched their crew with men, who once they awoke from being drugged, found themselves as sailors far out to sea.

Adam strolled through the streets and drew no particular attention in his flared pants, wool pea coat and his woven, blue watch cap. He had grown a trim beard that was streaked with gray and although the watch cap disguised most of it, his hair was gray around the temples with strands of silver running through the rest. The sea air and the sun had etched deeper wrinkles on his face and he looked at least ten years older that his 40. But he still had the looseness about his hips when he walked and although he often had bad days with his back due to the beating, most days were good and when they weren't, he had a bottle of a liquid picked up in a foreign port, that once rubbed on the muscles, served to warm and loosen them and in that way, Adam found relief from the seizing of his back.

Adam looked around as he walked, observing dark doorways and looks from others and judging which men might be dangerous; San Francisco had grown so much in five years and he began wondering what changes had taken place in Virginia City and how his family had changed; the thought made him anxious. Over the past five years, Adam had written letters home making his travels sound exciting and fresh to keep his father from worrying overmuch but Adam rarely received any letters-not because his family didn't write, but although he informed them where he would next pull into port, the captain's plans often changed. It was a merchant ship and headed where the captain's greed led them so they never reached some usual ports but ended up elsewhere. But somehow, the captain always made it profitable for all who signed on and Adam quickly took on higher and higher shares due to his "usefulness." The captain had once told Adam that he reminded him of himself-a man with no sentimental conscience to prevent him from doing what had to be done, what needed to be done. And Adam said that it was because he had lost his soul years before and it was gone for good. The captain had said it was profitable to be arm in arm with Beelzebub himself and Adam had laughed; he knew of what the captain spoke-vengeance is mine, saith the devil.

A few blocks before Adam reached the uptown district of San Francisco, a woman, a heavily painted woman at that, approached him. She smiled although she would have been more attractive had she not flashed a smile that revealed her bad teeth, but the rest of her was still firm and curvy. She walked over to Adam and offered him a pleasant time for little money-anything he wanted she would do, but he just laughed and declined and because he was glad to be on terra firma again, he dug a silver dollar out of his pocket and flipped it through the air to her.

"Thanks, cap'n," she said, catching it. "Ya must really be glad ta be home." She slipped the coin into her cleavage.

"You have no idea," Adam said, "no idea." And he went further into the city until he found a decent hotel and took a room. The desk clerk looked at him suspiciously and Adam guessed that sailors were not their usual clientele. The man even said to Adam, "We run a quiet, decent hotel here; no drunkenness or whores will be tolerated."

"Glad to know that," Adam said giving the clerk a smug smile. He put down the fountain pen and picked up the key the clerk had put on the counter. "And send up some dinner-I've worked up quite an appetite-steak, if you have it." Then he smiled and looking at the number on the key tag, dragged his weary body and his duffel up the stairs.


	2. Part 2

Part 2

Adam put the tray of empty dishes and silverware outside the room door and started his bath. He was surprised to see that the hotel had plumbing-hot and cold running water, and although the cisterns creaked and moaned like awakened ghosts, Adam found himself soon soaking in a bath, easing the aches of his body. He hoped the sea chest he sent had safely arrived at the Ponderosa and wondered if his father would then realize that he was coming home. He thought of wiring his family but decided against it; he would be there when he was there and relieve any worry his father had for him. Adam smiled to himself; as old as he was, in the few letters he had managed to receive, his father always told him that he prayed for God to put angels of protection around his eldest son, to watch over him and to keep him safe. Although Adam appreciated his father's love and the sentiment behind his prayers, Adam had lost his religion years ago-there were no angels to watch over him or anyone else-no God who answered prayers by divine means. Adam felt that he, as well as everyone else, was alone in this world to struggle and strive to exist; this was all there was.

Finally, after his long day, Adam crawled between the crisp sheets of the bed and sighing deeply, let himself fall into a sleep that enveloped him. Sometimes, he felt as if the sleep was suffocating him, closing off his life, and he would lie with his eyes open until the panic passed, but not tonight-tonight he was too weary.

It was close to morning when he had the dream, the same dream he had when he was too tired or too anxious or there had been trouble, the dream of her. They were on a ship and Mrs. Reid was standing near the side, too close to the side and one of the sailors was whispering that a woman on board was bad luck-very bad luck. And in his dream, Adam went to her, noticing her large, dark eyes pleading with him, and just as he was almost to her, she fell over backwards, over the side of the ship and he watched her drop into the water and be swallowed up-gone from sight as the darkness closed over her. And then, in his dream, he leapt over the side and in the murky darkness of the water, searched for her, his lungs ready to burst and then, Adam would suddenly sit up, gasping for breath and dripping sweat. And as always, after the dream, he would lay awake, waiting for his heart to stop pounding until full morning, reliving the horror of his past and shedding tears again for her and their unborn child and his grieving came out in low moans of suffering.

After dressing, Adam went down to breakfast, the shadow of his dream still over him, and while he ate, he planned the rest of his journey, wondering if maybe he should return to the pier and hop on board the Black Opal again and head out to Japan with his captain and crew. He wavered, even rising halfway from his seat, his heart thumping, but he sat back down and fought the anxiety until it passed and that afternoon, he was on the train to Virginia City. The motion of the train reminded him of the sea and how a ship was never still-the comforting rocking that always let a man know he was alive, always moving, heading somewhere. Well he understood the seduction of the sea, how it flows in the body and takes over the mind to the point that it takes days once a man is back on land to feel stable and anchored again.

Almost a day later the train pulled up at a depot outside of Virginia City and Adam was impressed; he looked at the ties and wondered if they were Ponderosa pine, if his father had run Joe and Hoss and the crew haggard to fulfill the contract and he could hear his father say, "If Adam were here, I wouldn't have to handle all this myself."

And then Hoss would say, "Well, he ain't here, Pa. Adam's off gallivantin' around the world and we're here doing all this back-breakin' work whiles he's probably lyin' on some island somewhere being hand-fed grapes by some dark-skinned beauty." Adam smiled to himself, picturing the expressions on his family's faces and hearing their voices ringing in his ears. He longed to get home so he headed off to the livery to rent a horse, looking at all the new buildings and mentally criticizing the poor architecture of the newer buildings that had been rapidly put up, merely wooden squares with a fancy façade. "Now, I would have done that differently…" ran through Adam's mind and then he smiled at his foolishness; he hadn't thought of building a structure in years and as he approached the livery, he wondered if Sport was still alive and waiting for him.

Adam was almost to the livery when he heard a woman's voice. "Adam, is that you?"

Adam turned and a young woman was standing there, looking at him, an expression of surprise on her small, pretty face. She had glossy, auburn hair and was wearing a smart, green bonnet with pink roses. He stared at her for a few seconds; there was something familiar about her but unfamiliar as well. Then he knew. "Lucy. Tag-along Lucy." Adam smiled broadly.

"It is you, Adam!" she said breaking into a wide smile. She reached for him and Adam, without thinking, took a step backwards to avoid it; the only women who touched him were those he pulled under him or who otherwise serviced his needs. She composed herself and then said, "But really, Adam, aren't I old enough to call just Lucy?"

"Well, how old are you-you look no more than, oh, fifteen years old?" Adam smiled at her, regretting his behavior. He knew he had hurt her feelings by avoiding her touch.

Lucy was Joe's age and she and Joe, ever since Adam had returned from college, would follow Adam as he worked around the ranch and when Joe wasn't there or was busy, Lucy alone followed him around, tagging along behind him, asking questions about what he was doing and if she could help. She would sit or stand as he greased axles or chopped wood and she would chatter away about some nonsense or the other and she tried Adam's patience to no end until finally, Adam would have to run her off and sometimes he drove her to tears telling her to go home, to stop bothering him and give him some peace. Then she would climb on her little gray horse and ride home, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand only to be back the next day or afternoon to tag along behind him again. And finally, when she was about fifteen, Lucy's parents decided she was a hoyden and intractable as well, always taking off for the Cartwrights, so they shipped her off to school and Adam breathed a sigh of relief. But every so often, Adam thought he caught her out of the corner of his eye, tagging along behind him. And he would turn to look and feel a pang of disappointment that she wasn't there, following him with that look of admiration in her eyes and the ready smile for him.

Lucy stared at Adam. "I'm old enough that children refer to me as ma'am and old enough to be married but I almost didn't recognize you, Adam, I mean the clothes, and the beard and all but when I saw you walking, well, it was your walk and I had to catch up and find out if it was really you, that you had finally come home."

Adam noticed that she was staring at the large scar across his left cheek; it had changed from purple to pink after a time and although he barely noticed it himself, Lucy had never seen him with the gash across his cheek.

"Well, I'm not surprised you recognized me from behind; you and Joe did enough running after me when you two were younger." Adam smiled at her; she reminded him of a spring morning, fresh and clean and full of promise and so very young. A sense of calm descended over him; he finally felt he was home.

She laughed and although Adam only smiled, his spirit felt lighter hearing the sound of her youthful joy.

"Are you back for the engagement party?" Lucy asked.

"Engagement party?" Adam said.

"Oh, you don't know then! Joe and Polly Sampson are getting married. Her father owns Sampson's Mercantile?"

"It's not Joe and you getting married? Why, Lucy, I would have thought that after all the time you and Joe spent together that you and he would tie the knot but then I guess you're married by now."

Lucy looked down at her gloved hands and then looked back up at Adam with a small smile. "No. Joe and I were always friends, tree-climbing buddies and such. You know fishing, skipping stones, bird calls…that's all…and no, I haven't married yet."

And Adam noticed a look of sadness in her eyes and realized that he had said the wrong thing; she had become uncomfortable and wouldn't look him in the eye anymore. Joe must have broken her heart, Adam thought, and she wants no one else. But then Adam lost any sympathy; there were far more terrible things in this world than a young woman suffering a broken heart.

Lucy looked up with a forced smile on her face. "Well, I'm glad that you're home, Adam, home safely, and I'll see you at the engagement party. It's two weeks from this Saturday."

"Well, I guess I'll be there," Adam said, "and you must promise me at least one dance and I'll try to stay off your feet."

"I promise," Lucy said. "I'll save you a dance." They started to part and go their separate ways, but Lucy turned and watched Adam walk away, his duffel bag on his shoulder, and she wanted nothing more than to tag along after him.

TBC


	3. Part 3

Part 3

As Adam drew closer to home, watching the sun rise higher in the sky, he surprised himself by feeling nervous; it had been a little over five years since he had seen his family and he wasn't certain how to behave toward them now and wondered how they would behave toward him, When he rode into the front yard he dismounted, and called out, "Pa? Anyone home?" and he waited-hoping that someone would answer him.

He stood for a few seconds and the front door opened and there was his father. Adam grinned widely-his father, Pa. Adam put out his hand but his father bypassed it and pulled Adam to him, putting his arms around his son and crying out, "Oh, Adam, Adam. You're home at last. Oh, Adam." Adam felt tears start to come and then quickly suppressed them; his own emotion shocked him and he was glad when Hoss and Joe came out of the barn and grabbed him and Hoss called him a "no-count hornswoggler" and clapped him on the back and Joe called him a "pirate." Even Hop Sing came out, wearing his white apron and his ever present blue cap, and greeted "Mistah Adam" and promised him his favorite meal that night since he had come home.

All through dinner Adam answered their questions and Joe and Hoss listened fascinated as Adam regaled them with tales of derring-do and beautiful women.

"Sounds like you had your pick of women from all over the world," Hoss said.

"Yeah," Joe said. "so tell me, Adam, which country had the best women. You know, the ones who are best on their backs or on their knees?"

Ben intervened. "Not at the supper table, Joseph. Besides, you have a fiancée now and shouldn't even be having such thoughts!" Ben looked disapprovingly at Joe. Then he looked across the table. "You don't know about Joe's impending nuptials, do you, Adam?"

Joe wasn't finished asking questions yet and responded to his father's chastisement. "I may be engaged, Pa, but if French women are better than here, and I think our pirate brother here would know, I may take off for the continent and taste a few before I get locked down for life. So tell us, Adam, which ones are better?"

"It would be hard to judge, Joe, hard to judge-different women offer different things. But I did hear some horrible rumor in town that you were getting married to Polly Sampson. Does Pa want a family discount at the mercantile's? Hoss eating too many canned peaches?"

They laughed and Joe told Adam that, yes, he was engaged and that luckily, Adam was back in time for the engagement party and hoped that Adam would stay for the wedding. "But you're such a cheap bastard that we better get a good wedding present from you."

"Well, even though I didn't know about the impending nuptials, I think I have something in that sea chest I sent ahead that'll serve the purpose. Where is it, Pa? Did it come?"

"Yes, it came last week. We put it up in your room."

Adam stood up from the table. " Hoss, come help me carry it down so we can go through it."

"Now, you just sit yourself down, older brother. Me 'n Joe'll bring it down. Can't have an old man like you carrying down a big, ol' heavy trunk." And although they smiled, Adam knew that they were still considering his back and although he appreciated it, it rankled him at the same time; would no one forget? If they couldn't, how could he be expected to stay and not to relieve his pain each day, both physical and emotional.

As Joe and Hoss went up the stairs, Ben looked across the table at Adam, seeing the weariness in his son's face and Ben thought that Adam did look older than his years and there was an eternal sadness to his eyes.

"Where did you hear about Joe and Polly?' Ben asked.

"Little Tag-Along Lucy. I saw her in town as I was going to the livery stable. I'm surprised she recognized me but she did-from behind even. She said she recognized my walk."

"Ah, yes, Lucy-your one time shadow." Ben smiled remembering the little girl who used to follow Adam around. Ben knew she had a schoolgirl crush on Adam and when she became too old and Ben felt that her attraction to Adam might become too serious, might be dangerous, Ben had visited her parents' ranch and asked them to keep Lucy at home. She was becoming a woman, Ben said and he feared that Adam may change the way he looked at her now that she was blossoming. Lucy's mother had said that she hadn't realized what was going on and that, yes, she agreed with Ben that they should put a stop to it. It was improper behavior for a girl her age. So they ordered Lucy not to visit the Cartwright's anymore but she slipped away to the Ponderosa the very next day so they shipped her off to school and there she stayed until she was eighteen, went on the grand tour of Europe, and when she returned, Adam was engaged to Laura Dayton and try as she might, Lucy couldn't get Adam's attention except for a quick hello after church. Lucy knew that she couldn't compete with Mrs. Dayton and so her heart was broken but she still dreamed of Adam Cartwright and still longed for him. Her only compensation was that Laura once remarked to Adam that Lucy was pretty and Adam had remarked that, yes, Lucy was pretty and always had been, even as a child.

"Pa," Adam said, "she seemed a little sad that Joe was getting married. I thought of all the girls, Joe and Lucy would end up together; they were inseparable as children. Did Joe break her heart?"

"No, no, not that I know of." Ben sat and paused, thinking. "Lucy and Joe…there was never anything serious between them. They've always just been friends. As a matter of fact, Lucy broke off her second engagement about, oh, must be a half year now. Caused a lot of talk since it was her second. People were saying that Lucy thinks she's too good for any of our local boys since she was schooled back east, went to Europe and such. She's given her parents fits, I'll tell you, Adam-but then she always has; that Lucy has a mind of her own. They fear she'll never marry-she's as old as Joe remember, and men can stay single quite a bit longer than women and some people are even wondering if Lucy's still marriageable. But she certainly is a pretty one-makes me smile whenever I see her."

Adam sat musing over what his father had just told him when Ben stood up and said, "And here they come now."

Joe and Hoss brought down the trunk, Joe complaining that Hoss was coming down too quickly and that he almost missed a step and Hoss complaining that Joe's legs were just too short, that was all. Then they set the trunk down in front of the settee, Ben having pushed the table aside, and Adam pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the trunk.

"Hop Sing," Adam called out. "C'mere. I brought you something." Adam winked at his father.

"What Mistah Adam bring Hop Sing?" he said coming out of the kitchen.

Adam pulled out some of his clothing and found several small packets and held them out to Hop Sing. "These are some very rare spices from China along with some tobacco," Adam said, "and these are some delicacies." Adam pulled out boxes with Chinese writing on them and illustrations of various animals including one with a tiger and one with a snake on the lid.

Hop Sing began to talk in Chinese, obviously pleased. He smiled and bowed slightly to Adam and said, "Hop Sing say special prayer of thanks tonight for Mistah Adam."

"Ah," Adam said," don't leave yet." Adam felt around to the bottom and pulled out a book, wider than it was long, and handed it to Hop Sing.

Hop Sing's eyes lit up when he saw the illustration on the cover, a Chinese woman in disarray, her hair coming loose from her top knot and her robe falling off her shoulders. "Oh, Hop Sing thank Mistah Adam again. Much thanks!" He made another little bow and took off for the kitchen smiling, carrying his spices and such and the book tucked under his arm.

"What was that?" Joe asked. "A cookbook?"

"No. Adam laughed. "It's a book of erotic Chinese art. I looked through it myself and those Chinese are quite...how shall it put this…exact in their detail."

"Damn, Adam," Hoss said. "You shoulda let us thumb through it afore you gave it to Hop Sing. Now we'll never see it."

"Hoss," Ben said crossly, "that's enough and Adam, I don't know if that's a proper present for Hop Sing."

"Would you rather I had given it to you?" Adam asked with a look of feigned innocence.

At Ben's flustered look, all three sons laughed, enjoying Ben's discomfiture. Adam remembered finding a book of translations of "questionable" French literature in his father's room when he was a mere teenager and he stole it away to take to his room making certain to return it in the exact spot. And then one day Adam went to get it and it was gone. His father had never said anything about it, but Adam always suspected that his father knew that he had been the one taking it for his own pleasure.

"But not to fear, Hoss. Here." Adam flipped a pack of cards to Hoss. "French playing cards. I guarantee that if you use those in a poker game, you'll win. Everyone will be so busy checking out the backs of everyone's cards, no one will play attention to their hand or anyone else's."

Joe peeked over Hoss' shoulder as he flipped through the deck, looking at the women in various states of undress on the backs of the cards, a wide grin on his face. "Thanks, Adam," Hoss said. "I don't suppose you got a marriage manual for Joe in there. I think he may need it on his honeymoon, you know, lay it open on the bed beside 'im and follow the instructions."

"Very funny, Hoss." Joe said. " But I'm not the one who can't find their way around a girl."

"Now just wait, little brother; ol' Hoss here could teach you many a thing 'bout women, especially how to avoid getting hooked and pulled in."

Adam laughed with the rest of them and he realized that he had missed them and missed being in a warm room with people who loved you and a full belly and a soft bed waiting for you. But yet, as Adam sat in the midst of them, he felt alone and as if they were just people he knew well but who barely knew him at all anymore-but then, he barely knew himself anymore.

TBC


	4. Part 4

Part 4

Adam had brought Ben a robe of heavy, yellow silk, beautifully embroidered with a dragon on each lapel in colors of red and green silk thread. Ben claimed that it was far too fancy for him to wear but Adam could tell that he was pleased; Ben took off his vest and slipped on the robe, tying the sash and became sheepish when Joe gave a wolf whistle in appreciation and Adam and Hoss expressed their admiration for what a sharp figure he cut. Adam told Ben that he looked like an ancient Chinese emperor with number one, number two and number three sons ready to do his bidding. Adam also gave him packets of tobacco from various countries and Ben immediately started his pipe with a plug of Irish tobacco and sat back, contentedly smoking to see what else Adam had in his sea chest.

"Now, Joe. This is for your bride-to-be; she can wear them on her wedding day." Adam pulled out a long narrow box of shiny wood and handed it to Joe. He opened it and produced a sound of admiration. Adam had given him a string of pearls as a wedding gift for his bride and Joe lifted out the pearls that glistened in the lamplight.

"Thanks, Adam. These are beautiful!" Joe ran them through his hands admiring their smoothness and glossiness. He had some knowledge about the basics of jewels but pearls were beyond him; they were so very rare in Virginia City and few women could afford them. "She'll be…she'll be thrilled at the least. Thanks again." Joe continued to run them though his fingers.

"Let me see those, Joe." Joe handed the pearls to Hoss who held them under the lamp. "Damn if these ain't the prettiest things I ever did see. They seem to got different colors in 'em but they's still white."

"Yeah, well give them back before you eat them," Joe said and Hoss just stood up feigning being insulted.

"Well, I'd pass 'em eventually. You'd get 'em back, course they wouldn't be white no more." Hoss said and the family chuckled.

"Well, Joe," Adam said, "I figure you need to give them to Polly; we need to reward her for taking you off our hands. With pearls like those, she may even keep you awhile." Hoss laughed while Ben smiled gently. He had missed the badinage between his sons and he looked at Adam and his heart filled with peace. Adam was home; he wasn't quite himself yet, but he was home.

Adam smiled and gave Hoss and Joe various bottles of French perfumes to hand out to girls and then everyone laughed at the idea of Joe handing them to any other woman but Polly and risking his marriage.

"And here, Pa. This is the most expensive bottle of French perfume they had. You can win some woman over with this. Is Clementine Hawkins still free?" The boys fell about laughing and Ben stated that Clementine Hawkins was no longer Hawkins. It seemed that she had married the owner of the new blacksmith shop and was now Mrs. Clementine Wright.

"Well," Hoss said. "I'm headin' upstairs. We got an early day tomorrow." Hoss stood up. "Oh, and thanks, Adam for the 'playin' cards,' but I think I'll just be keepin' them to myself. I might play a little game of solitaire afore I sleep tonight."

"One handed solitaire," Joe said and Adam and Joe burst into hearty laughter and then Joe followed Hoss upstairs to his own room. Ben and Adam were left sitting, the air now hanging heavy between them.

"Well, I'm tired too, Pa. I think I'll turn in." Adam stood up, unkinking his shoulders by pulling his arms forward and arching his back.

"Sit down again, Adam. I'd like to get to catch up with you a bit-find out about your time away."

"Pa, I wrote you as often as I could. Didn't you get them?" Adam sat back down; he didn't want to talk-not now.

"Yes, I got your letters, thank God, but they always talked about beautiful sunsets on the ocean and paradisiacal islands and beautiful women. You mentioned a few storms but you forget, Adam, I've been to sea. I know what it's like and although it sounds as if it should be a romantic life, it's a hard and painful living. You're on board a ship with so many men, most of them brutes; it's difficult."

Adam sighed deeply and sat back, covering his eyes with one hand and then running it over his hair. Then he sighed again, leaned over and looked at his father who looked back with love and understanding in his deep, dark eyes. Adam could never lie to his father though as a child he had tried. But all it took was a look of disappointment from his father and Adam would break down and confess any misbehavior.

"All right, Pa. If you want to know the truth then I'll tell you. Most of what I've seen was barbarous and cruel. I've seen a few men forced to walk the plank for perceived mutiny. I've watched them with their torsos bound with heavy rope, forced to either voluntarily jump into the ocean or to be thrown off and I never blinked an eye. I've also hanged pirates from the cross mast and blown a few faces apart with a well-placed shot. I've even been a 'pirate' of sorts myself; my captain could never pass up an opportunity to enrich himself-and us as well-with another ship's bounty. I must say though, that my captain was overly generous to any loyal crew member. I've also shanghaied men, killed men without remorse, had some women for free and paid whores at other times. Is that what you want to hear, Pa?"

"Adam," Ben said, "I just want you to be honest with me."

Adam sat and stared at the man who was his father, whose essence was part of him, the man who raised him alone for so many years and tried to inculcate morals and the love of God in him and Adam decided that he owed this man, this man who put food on his plate, clothes on his back, provided shelter and who broke his own back to provide for his sons. To his father, Adam felt that he owed more than some cursory discussion of his past few years away. So Adam sat back and told his father of all that had befallen him and then Ben understood why Adam came back even harder than before he left.

But when Ben asked Adam if he would return to the sea or stay, Adam said that he didn't know. The sea, he told his father, has a pull on a man-like a woman-she demands you return and you dream of her and want to be with her again. He had fought it many times and lost, seduced by the gray-green waters of the oceans that rocked a man to sleep in her arms every night.

Finally, Adam went upstairs to his room, running his hand over the wood banister as he did so. Wood was solid, reliable, and he knew that the Ponderosa, this house he had helped to build up and out from the original house, was solid and good and protected them all. A man could feel safe here, no floor slipping away beneath him, no tilting that caused a man to grip onto a door to keep from sliding away.

Adam entered his room, the knob familiar in his hand. Hop Sing had earlier started a fire for him to warm up the room and Adam threw in a few more logs and the fire flared and lit up the room in a ghostly dance before it settled down again. Adam lit the sconce above his bed and looked around the room. The room hadn't changed. If Hop Sing had moved anything while cleaning, he had replaced it in the same spot. Adam opened a drawer in the dresser and saw his shirts that he had left behind, neatly folded. He pulled open each drawer in its turn and everything was still in its proper place-untouched by the time that had passed. He opened the wardrobe and there were his suits jackets and dress pants hanging. On the top shelf were some hats and in the bottom were two pairs of boots.

Adam looked at his bookcase and smiled to himself. He hadn't read a book in so long-not since _Cook's Diaries_ had encouraged him to go out to sea. Somehow, the sentiments expressed in all the poetry rang untrue to him now-it bored him as being naïve and foolish The scrolls from his plans for grand buildings and the Ponderosa were still in the corner by the desk where he had sat and completed his school work as a young boy and later written love poetry for pretty girls. He smiled to himself as he remembered the young boy and man he used to be. Adam fought the sudden urge to gather all the scrolls and throw them on the fire-but he couldn't completely destroy who he had been-the young, handsome man who had yearned to be happy. Adam shook his head, slowly undressed and then crawled into his bed, the sheets smelling of fresh air and the sun. Despite his worries that he would have trouble sleeping, before he knew it, the sun was beginning to come up over the horizon.

The next morning after breakfast, Adam said that he wanted to go to town; he needed a new pair of boots because all that was in his wardrobe were dress boots and he couldn't wear the boots he had now for roping cattle; fall roundup was going on and Adam said that he was ready to get back to work. Adam also said that he couldn't see himself working in his pea jacket or wearing his watch cap-he'd lose all respect from the ranch hands.

"Are you going to get a shave?" Ben asked.

"No, Pa," Adam said. "My face is probably so white under this beard that if I shave it, I'll look like a bank robber wearing a hold-up mask."

"Well," Ben said, standing up. "I'll go with you into town." Ben was slightly nervous about having Adam go alone for reasons he couldn't identify.

"Hey, what about me?" Joe said. "I'd like to go to town. I could pick up everything you need at the mercantile. I don't want to stay here while you and Adam have a good time in town."

"I swear, Joe," Adam said, "You sound like a big, whiney girl."

"You're comin' to help me, little brother," Hoss said. "You can't hardly go into town without getting' in trouble anyway so you're gonna stay right here on this ranch with me and keep nice and safe."

Joe shrugged. "I guess its cattle and ropin' for me today!"

"Well," Hoss said, "first-hand knowledge of being roped yourself oughta make you better at doin' it! Now let's go!"

Ben and Adam walked into the Sazarac and people slowly started to recognize Adam despite the beard and graying hair; being in Ben's company helped them realize who he was. Everyone was glad to see him, shaking his hand and clapping him on his back but Adam noticed most of them staring at his cheek, examining the scar that partially distorted the left side of his face, but Adam just ignored the focus of their eyes and continued to laugh and greet them. Everyone insisted on buying Adam and Ben drinks and a jovial mood took over and the piano player broke into a lively tune. Adam was sipping at his beer when Sheriff Coffee walked into the bar and approached their table.

"Why, Adam Cartwright," Roy said, reaching for Adam's hand, "you old cattle rustler. What a sight for sore eyes."

Adam stood up and shook Roy's hand. "You're lookin' hale and healthy," Adam said.

"Now if I was just wealthy as well," Roy said and Adam chuckled.

"Well, join us for a beer, Roy," Adam said. One of the men sitting with them stood up and offered his seat to Roy.

"Well, it's a little early for me…but this is a celebration so don't mind if I do." Roy sat down and Adam motioned to the bar tender to bring Roy a beer.

Roy asked Adam questions about when he had arrived and why hadn't he stopped by the jail to say hello? Then Roy asked Ben what it was like to have all his boys home again and told Adam that Ben had worried non-stop about Adam until he would find one of Adam's letters waiting for him in the postal box. They joked and laughed and Roy never brought up anything about Adam's beating, Mrs. Reid's death or the murder of the men suspected of doing it-or the mutilation of Mr. "Buster" Reid. And Adam never raised the subject either. It appeared it was all forgotten-as dead as a man in his grave.

TBC


	5. Part 5

Part 5

The days went on peacefully leading up to the evening of the engagement party and Adam began to enjoy ranch work again; being in the outdoors was balm to his soul and working in the peace of animals was calming. But he also enjoyed the camaraderie of the ranch hands and the jokes bandied about and found himself smiling. The hard work was a type of therapy although his back complained against all the heavy lifting. Nevertheless, Adam never shirked and worked just as hard as any other hand and harder than most, after all, the land was part his, and he realized that the smell of the soil and the scent of the pines as well as the breathtaking beauty of the lake was in his blood and ran deep; that was the other siren's call he had always heard in his soul.

The hands were all relaxing after lunch and Adam was getting ready to split up the men into groups to search for any cattle which hadn't yet been included in the count for the winter herd. It was important because the cattle would be released to wander wherever they chose, finding the bales of hay and salt blocks that would be dropped randomly across the property ever two weeks or so, depending on the amount of snow. Adam stood up and noticed one of the hands was lying on his side, resting on one elbow away from the others. He slowly and quietly approached the recumbent figure.

"What you got there, Handy?" Adam asked, looking down on the man, his arms crossed across his chest.

"Oh…Adam," the man said, sitting up and tucking a small flask in his inside jacket pocket. "Just a little something to warm me up-there's a little chill in the air today. Oh, I guess I should have offered you a nip." The man reached back into his pocket and pulled out the bottle and offered it to Adam. Adam took the bottle, stared at it and then threw it against a nearby tree; the glass shattering and the alcohol spraying.

"Now, you got no call to do that," the man said jumping up.

"There's no drinking on the job, Handy. You know that. You won't get a second chance." Adam turned to walk away and there was silence among the group of men. Even Hoss and Joe just stood and shuffled their feet waiting for Handy's reaction.

"You think I don't know all about you, Cartwright? I wasn't here five years ago but I got me an earful about the high and mighty Adam Cartwright, sneakin' out of town with his pregnant whore and gettin' caught by the husband." The man stood staring at Adam, daring him to say or do anything. Handy knew he had at least two inches height on Adam and about 40 pounds. He was itching to beat Adam Cartwright into the ground; he could almost feel Adam's jawbone split under his fist and then his other fist sink into the flesh of Adam's stomach, making his abdominal muscles spasm and causing him to vomit in the dirt.

Adam slowly turned to face him. Hoss debated with himself as to whether or not he should step in and end the matter but then, when he saw Adam's face-a face gone cold and expressionless. Hoss backed off-he didn't want to mix it up with Adam either. They all watched as Adam slowly walked toward Handy and with a movie as quick as a striking snake, Adam punched Handy in the throat with the first two knuckles of his right hand.

Handy dropped and grabbed his throat, struggling to breath and Adam slowly turned away and went to check the cinch on his horse's saddle.

Handy gasped, trying to draw in air, writhing on the ground; he couldn't talk, just stared helplessly, his eyes begging for help. Hoss dropped down beside him, trying to see how desperate the situation was but Handy just stared at Hoss with panic in his eyes until eventually, he managed to suck in more air and his wild thrashing in the dirt calmed somewhat.

Joe walked over to Adam. "What the hell was that, Adam? That's no fair way to fight."

"Who said that fighting had to be fair?' Adam said with a slight smile. "I don't have time for people like Handy-the quicker they're put away, the better."

"But, Adam," Joe said, "he coulda been killed-you could've killed him."

Adam shrugged. "But I didn't-at least not this time."

Hoss and a few others put Handy in the back of the buckboard after taking out some of the equipment and Hoss left to drive him to town to Doc Martin. And Adam called out for Hoss to pay Handy his wages and fire him.

Adam broke the men into groups and sent them off and no one complained that their assignment was more arduous than another; they just nodded or said, "Yes, Mr. Cartwright," and everyone gave Adam a wide berth. Even Joe looked at Adam with new eyes and that night, Joe put Cochise away quickly and then took to the house to tell his father about the incident.

That night after supper, Ben sat down to smoke his pipe and asked if he could talk to Adam in private. Joe and Hoss looked at one another knowingly and went off to their rooms. Hoss walked staidly up the stairs, his hands in his pockets but Joe kept glancing back hoping that Ben wouldn't reveal that Joe had been the one to tell him. Joe now had a little fear of his brother running through him and he didn't want Adam angry with him.

"Adam," Ben said, "I heard about you and Handy this afternoon-apparently, from what I've heard, you almost crushed his larynx."

"It needed to be done," Adam said quietly.

Ben leaned forward in his chair, holding his pipe by the bowl in one hand. "There are other ways to get things done than immediately resorting to physical violence."

"Of course there are," Adam said, "but I chose the fastest and most efficient way. What's wrong with that?'

"Are you just going to pull your gun and shoot the next person who disagrees with you?" Ben was angry but he also was afraid, afraid that Adam had lost all his compassion. Adam just sat calmly and stared at him, his face blank, devoid of any emotion. Adam wanted to tell his father that it wasn't just a disagreement and that if any man had said what Handy had in another place and time, Adam would have shot the man and felt his death well-deserved. But he didn't.

"You want me gone, Pa? If you do, just say so."

"Adam, you know I don't want you gone and that has nothing to do with this," Ben said, "but I think you've forgotten how to deal with civilized men!"

Adam threw back his head and laughed-and Ben felt a chill run through him. Then Adam looked his father straight in the eyes and said, "I'm beginning to think there's no such thing anymore, Pa. All men have that atavistic barbarian, that merciless, cold-blooded killer in them just waiting to claw its way out. Everyone, Pa. Even you." Then Adam stood up and walked up the stairs and all that Ben could do was stare after him.

The night of Joe and Polly's engagement party was chilly, but the ladies could still wear their light silks and taffetas. Chinese lanterns lit up the outside and blossomed on lines strung across the great room. The table was lined with foods of all types and no one was shy about making themselves a plate, saving room for the large cake waiting in the kitchen for Hop Sing to present later. The musicians were situated in a convenient place and Polly was radiant and Joe couldn't keep the smile off his face. Adam also found himself smiling. He and Ben stood on the sidelines and didn't dance, but instead made small talk with the guests. Adam did notice though, when Lucy and her parents came in. Joe and Polly went to greet them and kisses were exchanged. But what Adam noticed first was how pretty Lucy looked in her dark green, silk dress and the second thing Adam noticed was that she seemed truly happy for Polly, exchanging hugs with her and Joe as well. Lucy's face was open and honest and Adam tried to make sense of the difference in how she was tonight and how she had seemed that time in town-broken-hearted; he couldn't reconcile the images.

Lucy went over to Adam when she saw him standing across the room and Adam returned her smile as she walked over to him. "Why, Adam, you did stay for the party-I'm so glad." Lucy put out her hand and Adam took it in both of his. He couldn't help but notice again how delicate she was and how very pretty she was with her gentle smile and bright hazel eyes.

"Well, you don't think I'd miss my baby brother's engagement party, do you? Especially after we had thought no woman would ever have him," Adam said.

Lucy smiled again and Adam felt his breath catch slightly. "Well, I was a little unsure that you would stay. I was afraid you'd miss it just so you wouldn't have to dance with me-you promised me a dance, remember?"

"Well, now, Lucy," Adam said, hemming a bit. "it's been a long time since I danced and I don't think that I'm practiced enough. I might very well embarrass both of us"

He saw Lucy's face change with a quick look of disappointment. Then he watched as she altered her expression to a teasing smile but he could see the slight pain in her eyes. Adam realized again that he had hurt her feelings.

"I tell you what," Adam said. "I promise you the last dance."

"Well," Lucy said, her voice slightly quavering, "as long as you mean it. And you heard him, Mr. Cartwright," Lucy said turning to Ben, "you heard him promise. As his father you should make him keep his word."

"I promise, Lucy. But, in the meantime, would you mind dancing with 'Old Man Cartwright' here who finds you fetching in your gown." Ben sensed Lucy's great disappointment that Adam had declined to dance and after she acquiesced with the phrase that she would be delighted to dance with him, Ben led her onto the dance floor. So Lucy danced all evening with the various men who complimented her on her beauty and charm and how nimble she was. And Adam watched and for some reason felt uncomfortable; he finally admitted to himself that Tag-along Lucy was no longer a child, no longer a pest but that she was a beautiful woman and that he was an old man-too old for her at their fourteen year age difference-and that thought made him sad and he didn't understand why. He didn't understand the longing he felt, the acute emptiness his arms felt.

To indicate that the party was over, the musicians broke into a rendition of "Good night, Ladies," and after saying something to her parents, Lucy walked across the room, weaving between the dancing couples to face Adam. "It's the last dance, Adam. You promised me."

"So I did." He looked down at her, at her eager face, and then, put one arm around her waist and held her hand with the other and waltzed her onto the dance floor. They twirled amidst the couples who were leaving and those who wanted to dance on until the last note was played and Adam found himself beginning to feel the way he usually did when he held a desirable woman in his arms. He realized it was Lucy's body close to him that aroused him, the scent of her light perfume and the feel and smell of her hair and the softness of her body disturbed him-she was Lucy, the small girl who had tagged along behind him practically her whole childhood, the child with skinned knees and freckles and her incessant questions and he felt that he shouldn't feel sexual desire for her.

As they danced, Adam struggled with the urge to pull Lucy against him and crush her mouth with his. He wanted to toss up her skirts and pull her under him and he was ashamed. "You dance well, Lucy," Adam said to put some distance between himself and his emotions.

"I've always been good at following you, Adam, always following your lead wherever it took me," Lucy replied, looking up at him but she wasn't smiling.

Adam stopped dancing and looked down at her; he had to break this hold she had on him, this hold that he never fully realized. He dropped her hand, released her and walked out the front door. Lucy stood alone on the dance floor amid the few couples left and then followed Adam out, stood on the porch and watched him go into the barn.

She hurried across the yard, ignoring the people who were leaving and saying good-night to the three Cartwrights and Polly who also stood in the yard. Lucy pushed the barn door partially open and slipped in. Adam sat on a bale of hay in the semi-darkness of one lone lamp, holding his face in his hands.

She quietly walked over until she stood in front of him. "Adam?" He looked up at her.

"Damn, Lucy, why can't you leave me alone? Why do you have to follow me every place I go?"

"I could say it's just habit, but the actual reason is that I love you, Adam, and as much as I've tried, I can't love any other man." She kneeled in front of him as he sat.

"Well, maybe you just haven't tried hard enough," Adam stated. He didn't want to be cruel but she disturbed him so much, caused such a stir of emotions in him that he felt as if his gut was being turned inside out.

"I have, Adam-trust me I have. But I realized long ago that all my life I'd been waiting to grow up so that you'd notice me, not as Lucy, the little pest who tagged after you, who worshipped you, who dreamed of the day when you would finally love her, but as Lucy, the woman who adores you, who worships you and still dreams of the day you'll love her."

Adam sighed deeply. He didn't want to feel this, didn't want to feel the emotions she evoked; they hurt too much. "Lucy, look at me." Adam said. "Really look at me."

"Oh, Adam, I can't see anything else but you," Lucy said. "When I saw you in town that day, I couldn't breathe-it was as if time stood still. I couldn't believe that my prayers to God, my prayers that you would be returned safely were actually answered. And pray I did, Adam" She placed her two hands over his clasped ones." Every day, continually, I prayed for your safety. I even made deals with God to have you returned whole and happy."

"Well, Lucy, God didn't answer all of your prayer. God didn't return your Adam Cartwright. I'm not the Adam that left."

"You're the Adam Cartwright I love, that I'll always love-even if you don't want me to...even if you don't love me. But, Adam, even if everyone who ever loved you died, know that I would still be here to love you. As long as I'm alive, no matter where you are or where you go, just know that I love you."

And Adam looked at her with sudden understanding of one thing, all those times he had felt alone and abandoned, when he felt that even God had nothing but disdain for him, Lucy had loved him. All those times when he stood looking over the ship's railing at night and considered how easily he could end his isolated existence by merely slipping quietly into the water, Lucy had loved him and had prayed for him, for his safe return.

Adam stared at her and grabbed her by her forearms. "Look at me! What do you see? Not the man I was. I'm an old man. I look as old as my father. I'm gray and scarred both inside and out. And look at you, Lucy, young and fresh and so achingly beautiful that I want to cry and bow down in humility. Look, Lucy, look at me!" Adam let go of her arms. "Oh, Lucy, I don't deserve your love. I've done nothing to earn it. Save it for another man."

"Deserve my love? Earn my love? Oh, Adam. Everyone deserves love, particularly you, and you don't have to earn my love-I give it to you freely. It doesn't matter what you think of me, Adam,-I love you, my beautiful darling. I love you, even if you don't want it." And Lucy leaned toward him and kissed him gently on the scar that ran across his cheek. She sat back on her heels and looked at him.

Adam felt a painful swell in his chest. His jaw quivered and he was afraid to speak, afraid that if he did, his past pain would escape from his soul in agonizing sobs for he felt such strong emotion that he could barely contain himself.

"Let me love you, Adam. Please. That's all I ask. Let me love you."

"Oh, Lucy," Adam said in a strangled voice, "my darling Lucy." And he grabbed her and pulled her to him, kissing her eyes, her cheeks until he found her mouth and kissed her as if she was saving his life with her very breath. He held her and rocked her in his arms as she sat on his lap. He murmured that he loved her, that he could never admit it to himself before, but now, now, he saw her as the one to save him from the darkness into which he had fallen, that by loving her he could possibly reawaken all the feelings of tenderness he had so easily harbored years ago, before the darkness came over him and he and Lucy clung to one another as if they were saving each other from drowning in that dark sea. And Adam finally felt a connection with another person again, with Lucy. And along with that, he felt a relation with the rest of humanity and like everyone else, he needed to love another-and to be loved himself-and he deserved happiness.

~Finis~


End file.
